Drunk on Stage — Kamala Harris Accidentally Reveals the Democrats' "Lifetime Voter" Strategy
The Democrats' long-term voter strategy takes an unexpected turn when Kamala gets a little too comfortable with the microphone — AND LETS THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG. Her handlers scramble to intervene, but it's already too late...
It's a packed house at a progressive political rally. Rainbow flags are waving, the music is blaring, and former Vice President Kamala Harris is about to take the stage.
There's just one problem.
Kamala appears to have had a little too much to drink.
She stumbles toward the podium, grabs the microphone, and flashes that unmistakable Kamala Harris grin.
"HELLOOOO, EVERYBODY!"
The crowd erupts.
Kamala giggles. Then she giggles again.
"YOU KNOW WHAT?" she shouts, leaning into the microphone.
"We LOVE our trans kids! We just LOVE them! Trans kids are SO SPECIAL!"
She pauses, smiling broadly.
"And can I share a little secret with you? Just a teeny, tiny secret?"
An aide standing offstage suddenly looks nervous.
Kamala lowers her voice into what she apparently believes is a whisper.
"Trans kids are NEVER gonna grow up to vote Republican!"
She pauses.
"NEVER!"
Then, practically screaming into the microphone:
"EVERY TRANS KID IS A LIFELONG DEMOCRAT!"
Kamala erupts into hysterical laughter.
She throws her head back, nearly loses her balance, and grabs the podium to keep from falling over.
The microphone lets out an ear-piercing squeal.
"GEORGE SOROS WAS RIGHT! HIS THINK TANK WAS RIGHT! WE GOT 'EM! WE GOT 'EM FOR LIFE!"
A woman in the front row stops clapping.
A cameraman slowly lowers his camera.
Offstage, three Democratic strategists are frantically waving their arms, trying to get Kamala to stop talking.
But Kamala isn't finished.
"Think about it, people! Think about it! You know what the BEAUTIFUL thing is?"
She leans forward, squinting at the audience.
"We don't even have to wait until they're eighteen to know who they're gonna vote for!"
Another fit of laughter.
"ISN'T IT AWESOME?? YOU CAN TAKE AWAY OUR MIGRANTS - BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY OUR TRANS KIDS!"
One of her aides approaches the podium.
"Madam Vice President, I think it's time we wrap things up."
Kamala waves him away.
"OH, COME ON! I'm just getting STARTED!"
She leans into the microphone again.
"Democracy is about the future! And the future is about the children! And the children... well, the children are about the FUTURE!"
Before anyone can unplug the microphone, she suddenly does a clumsy slow dance move and breaks into a wobbly rendition of Whitney Houston's 1980s classic Greatest Love of All: "I believe the children are our future ... teach them well!" Then she invents her own off-key verse: "Teach them BLUE! Show them the ballot box! And make sure they remember which little donkey to check!" She starts laughing so hard she has to hug the podium, while a horrified aide frantically mouths, "CUT THE MIC!" from backstage.
She looks extremely pleased with herself.
A long silence follows.
Suddenly she's laughing all over again.
"HAAAAHAHAHAHA!"
Behind the stage, a senior campaign consultant is reportedly experiencing the political equivalent of a five-alarm fire.
"WHO GAVE HER THE MICROPHONE?"
"Sir, she's the keynote speaker."
"THEN WHO GAVE HER THE SHOTS??"
Back onstage, Kamala is now holding onto the podium with both hands, swaying gently as she attempts to explain the difference between democracy, demographics, and kindergarten.
Nobody can follow it.
Finally, two aides manage to guide her away from the microphone.
As she's escorted toward the exit, Kamala turns around and shouts one final message to the crowd.
"REMEMBER, PEOPLE! THE CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE! TEACH THEM WELL AND LET THEM LEAD THE WAY..."
She pauses, raises one finger, and adds:
"AND THE FUTURE IS REGISTERED DEMOCRAT!"
One last explosion of laughter.
The house lights come on.
The music starts playing.
And somewhere in Washington, a Democratic political consultant realizes THAT THE GIG IS UP. The cat is out of the bag.
The Democrats are finished.