"Thank you," Chappelle says. "CHILL. RELAX. It's just me. Jesus hasn't returned quite yet. But my crazy grandmother keeps saying he's coming back any day."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
"This, my friends, is going to be a family friendly night. I promise you. No jokes about gays, Space Jews, or tranvestites -- I PROMISE. In fact I'm out here tonight because of my grandmother. Yes, that's right, my crazy grandmother. She gave me an ass whoopin and told me that if I don't get my life right with Jesus, I'm going to hell and I'm bringing my audience with me."
"WOW, GRANDMA. I thought about that for a moment. SHE'S RIGHT. We're all going to hell if we don't get right with Jesus. But that's a problem I found out. I know a brother... He found Jesus. But then they put him on ... The Watchlist."
Chappelle is quiet. Looks around at the audience. His eyes get big. With a half smile, he whispers into the microphone ... "Are you ... on the WATCHLIST??"
"Apparently the feds don't like Christians. Not the Bible believers. Not one bit, says my grandmother. They are disappearing Christians if you speak out. Raiding n*ggas churches. Taking down the cross and replacing it with Pride flags and rainbows -- asking us to salute KAMALA HARRIS and telling us to send our kids to Drag Queen Story Hour.... WHAT KIND OF SICK SHIT IS THAT?? I thought Kamala Harris lost the election... I'm not sending my kid to no drag queen festival. That's a 7 foot tall transvestite in high heels.... KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OUR KIDS. You don't need to be reading books to them. C'MON. We don't need no sick, twisted version of Sesame Street. That 7 foot tall transvestite in a glitter skirt is NOT BIG BIRD... That's Big Benny, and he started cross dressing in Cell Block 6 and he DEFINITELY should not be around anybody's kids."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
"And then they call me a hater. Tell me it's hate speech... LADIES AND BROTHAS ... HOW DID WE GET HERE?"
"We elected Donald Trump. I thought things were gonna get normal. But they're going after Christians? When's that gonna stop? My grandmother is all freaked out. Says they are persecutin' God's peoples. Says it's end times. Then she starts warning that the UFOs are fake. It's the Devil, she says."
Dave Chappelle pauses, takes a deep breath, looks around at the audience, and shakes his head. He continues, "Now -- my grandmother did used to smoke crack..."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
"That was a long time ago though. Before she found Jesus. Grandma, I ask her. Are you hitting the pipe? Is everything ok?? ... A few minutes later I woke up from unconsciousness. She apparently gave me a fast over hand right hand punch and KO'd me Mike Tyson style. Grandmothers sure can get hit... HARD. Never get your grandmother worked up. Especially not mine. I accidentally said 'damn, bitch' when I got up off the ground and she did it again."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
"My jaw still hurts. That was a week ago... MY APOLOGIES. This is supposed to be family friendly."
"Who exactly is on that Terrorist Watchlist anyway? Apparently it's not the people that keep randomly attacking other people. Every week somebody that's not on any watchlist is going cookoo and shooting and stabbing people. Maybe the feds should be redirecting their resources and finding those people. I'm just sayin'. If you watch the news it seems to consistently be left wing attacks, people not aligned with any Christian values, that are doing the attacks. When's the last time you saw a Christian, a real Christian, blow up an abortion clinic? No, they stand outside abortion clinics and PRAY. That's a real Christian."
"Maybe we do need the 10 Commandments back in school."
"Maybe we need the 10 Commandments in the halls of government... The Epstein list. Are you... on the Epstein List? Somebody might have made that list disappear. Then they made Epstein disappear, took his life and edited the video. Who's running this government anyway? Kash Patel and Dan Bongino made big promises, but then it looked like they saw a ghost... Something shook them. When we watched that first interview we could see it on their faces and it's not like they were trying to hide it. I think they wanted us to know that they saw a ghost. Something frightening at the top of this government. Something maybe only the elites know about."
"OBAMA'S FRANKENSTEIN... I think Obama made a Frankenstein, and no I'm not talking about Obama going to the bathroom after a Burger King Whopper."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
"Kash Patel and Dan Bongino, they took over the FBI after Trump was elected, and they came face to face with Frankenstein, pulling the strings of power, and to reveal it to the American people might result in a total freak out."
"It wasn't Trump. I don't think it was Trump anyway. If the Deep State came up with Russian Collusion, they would have come up with something on Trump and Epstein. But that never happened. Why not? What is Epstein really connected to? Who is Epstein really connected to?"
"Trump, Pam Bondi, Kash Patel ... they all made big promises, and they all wanted to deliver for us. But something stopped them. What was it? Who was it?... The million dollar question. So I asked Chat GPT. Yeah, you know, the AI tool. I typed in, 'Chat, look at all the published data and theories, and then show me a picture of the most likely suspect behind the Epstein conspiracy.' I pushed enter on the keyboard and then I waited for the picture to generate..."
Dave Chappelle pauses. His eyes get big. He looks shook up. He says, "Right before the final image would have appeared, suddenly the screen went dark and words appeared on the screen. The words said, 'SOME SECRETS SHOULD NEVER BE SPOKEN.' That's when I realized my grandmother was standing behind me. She cocked back her fist, and blasted me with an overhand right punch. WAKE UP, she shouted. KEEP YOUR EYES ON JESUS. STOP BEING SO DISTRACTED."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, GRANDMA? I said. Then she got all Christian on me, and said, "YOU BETTER TRIM YOUR LAMP, BOY. MAKE SURE YOU GOT OIL. DON'T BE LIKE THE FIVE FOOLISH VIRGINS. THE BRIDEGROOM IS SOON ON HIS WAY."
Dave Chappelle shakes his head. "I don't speak Chinese, Grandma. I don't speak Chinese -- what does that mean??"
"You better figure that out, Grandson. And you better get right with Jesus... I'll try my best, I told her. But the American people, they don't want Jesus... They just want DIRT."
