"How are things going there, Warner?" says Travis. After some small talk Travis says, "We need to clarify something... who's that agent you've been dating the last few weeks from the other division?"
Warner laughs. He says, "That's Agent Kelly Hill... Man, she is super hot. I am so lucky to connect with this woman. She's something special. Transferred here from the DC field office."
Travis pauses, then says, "What did you say her last name was?"
"Hill," Warner replies. "Kelly Hill."
There's no reply for a moment. "Oh man, oh no," Travis says under his breath.
"What? What? What is it?"
"Listen, remember that DEI seminar we all went to?"
"Uh, huh. What a waste of time and tax payer dollars."
"Do you remember how we were told there were going to be a whole bunch of new laws on the books under Biden / Harris to protect transgenders?" Travis asks. He continues, "It's now illegal, a federal hate crime, to call a transgender a transgender. It's either a man or it's a woman."
Warner pauses, "Where are you going with this?"
"Kelly Hill," Travis says, but he can't bring himself to speak any more words. The phone is silent for a moment.
Warner's heart skips a beat. His breath catches in his chest. The floor seems to fall out from under him. He recalls the trophy case in her apartment. All the trophies and blue ribbons.
First place trophies.
She's tall.
Thick boned.
Strong hands.
Travis breaks the silence suddenly. He says, "Warner, is this the woman that is making your head spin??... Did you??"
"NO!!" Warner exclaims, "It's just talk... she likes to talk all hot on the phone at night after work. I've only been to second base with this one."
"What does that mean?" Travis says. "What's second base??"
"We kissed... she's a great kisser, really gets into it. Her hands --"
"Okay," Travis interrupts. "I don't want to hear anything else. You need to end this relationship -- now."
Reality sets in. Warner goes into shock. Piece by piece, he realizes that Agent Hill's makeup, long hair, ear rings, and who knows how many procedures don't change the fact that it's really a man.
DEI.
Revulsion, denial, and terror all take place within the same few moments.
Suddenly Warner wants to go postal. Wants to step in front of a semi-truck.
Wants to wretch.
The words Biden / Harris flash through his mind.
He stumbles backwards and slumps into a couch, bending forward and putting his head in his hands. He starts shaking.
He recalls a recent one night stand before he met Kelly. Another tall woman. Also with the agency. Strong hands. Broad shoulders.
Rumored to have a devastating volleyball spike.
Third base.
He made it to third base with this one -- but he had blacked out. Had too much to drink.
Woke up the next morning and couldn't remember what all had taken place. Couldn't remember anything in fact, other than stumbling through the front door with his date that night. Did I go past third base?
He must have passed out that night, he realizes. The next morning his head was pounding. Hang over. There wasn't time to think. There wasn't time to rationalize at the time.
He had to be somewhere that day.
The DEI seminar. The same seminar where the top brass, those DEI ladies, informed everyone that the Conservatives were trying to drag the nation backwards and they have to be stopped.
They're dangerous, explained the top brass.
Those DEI ladies calling the shots.
Ladies? Really??
At what point are they no longer ladies?
Maybe it's time to break rank and vote Trump.
He's taking the nation backwards.
At this rate backwards is a good thing.
What happens when calling a transgender a transgender becomes a hate crime?
That's a man.
That's a woman.
What happens when the procedures, surgeries, and pharmaceutical drugs take gender dysphoria to the next level?
As Warner reflects, regains his composure -- Dude Looks Like a Lady by Aerosmith is playing once again in the background.
A strong desire to wretch and go postal -- and step in front of a semi-truck -- is back.
Good luck, Agent Warner. Those DEI ladies have your number.
You might want to change it.
