Survive Any Disaster - Satire News in a World Gone Mad
Survive Any Disaster - Satire News in a World Gone Mad

OUTRAGEOUS -- Grannies for Jesus Targeted by Biden's FBI

Grannies for Jesus Targeted by Biden's FBI
by Kent Wilson | Political Satire, U.S. News

...and how this affects you, me, and millions of other faith-based Americans that consider themselves Conservative and opposed to the extremely dangerous Radical Left agenda.

At a home in the suburbs of Atlanta, GA, a phone rings. John, a deputy with a local sheriff's department, answers.

On the other end of the line, it's Matt calling. Matt's a former high school classmate and now with the FBI. Matt says, "I need you to know something, buddy, and I hope it doesn't upset you. Your Grandmother Dorothy has been listed by the FBI for belonging to a religious extremist group called Grannies for Jesus."

John laughs. He says, "Grannies for Jesus runs a soup kitchen, Matt. They're harmless… wouldn't hurt a fly. Come on, man, is this a joke?" He chuckles, shaking his head.

"No joke, unfortunately. We've got policies on all these groups," Matt says. "Anyone associated with Christian, Catholic, even Mormons. They've all been listed as having extremist ties and hate views. They're all considered armed and dangerous because of how many Conservatives have firearms. But mostly, off the record so to speak, it's because most of them back the Republicans. Talking about faith, a lot of it's centered around their beliefs about LGBTQ and that's what's putting them at odds with the federal government. Joe Biden's become their spokesperson. For some reason he's made this a priority of his Administration. Not all of us are absolutely sure why -- we just have to enforce the law we're sworn to."

"Anyway, you should see this file on your grandmother. This is crazy. It goes back more than 15 years. It all started when she shared some posts on social media about someone she knows being healed by God. Every agent that's ever tracked your grandmother's posts or added to this file really seems to have a negative view of Christians. She looks like she's going to come unhinged at any moment. Her posts are called religious rants, filled with hate. But when you actually read the posts I don't see any hate at all, just a grandmother being a Bible believer and sharing her faith."

"That's crazy," John says. "My grandmother..."

"Yes," Matt says. "I agree. I just wanted to give you a heads up call. Please keep this quiet. I can lose my job and even face charges should my superiors find out I'm talking to you about any of this. But we're long time friends -- you need to know what's going on."

"I understand," says John. "But it's just the current political environment. I like knowing that they're just trying to keep us safe. We need a surveillance state."

Matt says, "You wouldn't believe the kind of things people say when they're at home relaxed and all their electronic devices are listening. We hear it all. Surveillance is working but only for the ones who haven't figured it out. Like these migrants pouring across the border. Unfortunately that now includes groups like Grannies for Jesus and anyone else listed as Republican."

"A necessary evil," says John. "I feel somewhat safer now that it's in place, but of course it is somewhat bothersome to picture a young Gen Z analyst listen to my wife and I be intimate."

"A lot of it's algorithms. But yes, I agree… There's more though," Matt says, with deep regret. "It gets worse. It goes beyond that. You're not going to like what I'm about to tell you next."

Matt sighs into the phone, takes a deep breath, lets it out. "Your grandmother showed up for lunch downtown Atlanta two days ago. You got to know there's cameras everywhere nowadays and with heightened terror alerts, anyone on these extremist groups databases is considered a terror threat. The database is massive, American citizens, even collecting the identities of first time church attendees. Security cameras, cell phones, emails, you name it. That terror list is growing every day. Despite the cameras, it was actually your grandmother's cell phone being tracked by a Stingray system that lead to a sting operation waiting for your grandmother. They're tracking her through her phone, her friends' phones, even your phone. Well, she showed up for that lunch. Of course, she didn't do anything. She just had lunch with her friends and left."

"WHAT," John says. "That's insane. They think my grandma's a terrorist?"

"We use coordinated teams for these kind of operations. We've even been using Conservatives on our watch lists as guinea pigs for trainees… We're sending trainees out there. Problem is not everyone in the FBI is fair minded and some of them -- I hate to say it -- truly hate Christians or anyone with Conservative ties. In the last four years the Biden Administration has increased the numbers of far left thinking agents, and any one of them, if he or she is trigger happy, could have taken out your grandmother. That's what I'm afraid of."

Matt continues, "Here's why I'm calling. This is important. Your grandmother just made a reservation to attend a theater, a CS Lewis play that's going on downtown in the coming days. As soon as she made that reservation she triggered another alert with the FBI field office. Now she's likely to have that same team ready to make a move on her if she even blinks wrong or maybe pulls something out of her purse. As volatile as these field office supervisors have become, and as far left as these first time in the field trainees are, if I were you I would encourage her not to go to that play. Just cancel... They're out for blood. I can see it... At the least, tell her to turn off her phone and to stop giving away location details in her emails and other communications."

John is quiet for a moment, thinking. He replies, "Crap. They'll be tracking her Mazda and probably her bicycle at this rate... She's been with Grannies for Jesus for over 15 years. They've never caused any problems. They don't even protest abortion clinics or the drag queens going to the libraries. Grannies for Jesus is all volunteer charity, giving to the poor at soup kitchens. They've done community drives to help the homeless... How's this happening?"

"The Director, top officials don't care apparently. They're not looking at the facts. A lot of them are blinded by emotion. Some probably think Grannies for Jesus is a front for a charity scam. Our leadership, they're all wearing beer goggles. They are half-retarded. It's turning into blind hate. Especially with the election looming in the months ahead and Trump looking like a strong front runner for the Presidency."

Matt continues, "If it makes you feel any better, just about every Conservative talk show host is on these extremist lists as well. The FBI possibly has a classified protocol that only people at the top have knowledge of. That protocol may be to actively stop and prevent any possible Civil War from ever starting. You know that new Civil War movie that's coming out right? They're even afraid of the talk show hosts. They reach a lot of people. The Democrats fear a Conservative uprising more than anything. They know they're out manned and out gunned if that goes down. I think what's going on now is the Democrats want to make strategic and immediate moves to stop what they deem an insurrection -- before it even starts."

"That's scary," John says.

"In the years ahead, assassinations could come out of this," warns Matt. "Of course they wouldn't be called assassinations. I'm afraid of far left elements of the FBI and other agents in our government using false flag events to launch growing operations on Conservatives -- in the same way they break up and take down drug cartels operating on US soil... One day the drug cartel is there. The next day it's not."

"Hold on a minute," John says. "What about Conservatives within the FBI? Surely they wouldn't stand for this?"

"There's a lot less of them nowadays and the ones that are there are simply really good at taking orders and not asking questions. The ones that do have a backbone, I hate to say it, but there's a chance they'd get arrested as part of any operation. The Democratic Party and their elite backers don't want to lose power, period. I don't believe in a Deep State but this is Deep State kind of stuff. It's a rabbit's hole that I don't want to go down. I'm afraid that they're willing and potentially planning to go to extraordinary lengths to crush the Conservatives permanently. The Democrats want power, and all the money backing them is only likely to double down to maintain it."

Matt continues, "I'm going to quit tomorrow, completely quit the FBI. I don't want anything to do with any of this. But it kills me to think that I'm being run off, it's almost like someone from up high wants me to feel this pressure, and just leave. That's one less Conservative in their ranks. And one more they'll replace with someone from the far left."

John doesn't respond for a few moments. He says, "It sounds like we need to be digging deep. Who are these elites anyway? What do we need to do to get a list of names? If they're coming after the American people, we can't defend ourselves unless we know who they are. How do we flush them out and expose their motives?"

"Well," Matt replies. "Having Trump in office will likely help. Hopefully he does shake things up and get transparency on these watch lists and get Conservatives off these lists. It's time for liberal Democrats, the ones that are pushing the far left agenda, to feel the heat. They're the real threat to our country."

John doesn't reply, letting the words sink in. Matt pauses for a moment, then continues, "If he gets the Presidency, Trump needs to stand with Israel. That Bible he's been waiving and selling on TV -- he needs to read it, all of it... Read what happens when all the nations have turned against Israel. If we turn on Israel, it's going to be over for us. Lights out for the U.S... Lights out."

Related: Joel Rosenberg Calls for Prayer, Warns: the 'World is Going to Turn Against Israel'.

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