Survive Any Disaster - Satire News in a World Gone Mad
Survive Any Disaster - Satire News in a World Gone Mad

January 6 Fallout — Half of America is on a Watchlist — Starring Corky from Life Goes On and The Church Lady from Saturday Night Live — Dana Carvey

January 6 Fallout FBI Watchlist Corky from Life Goes On & Dana Carvey Church Lady SNL
by Kent Wilson | Political Satire, US News
"Welcome to the new position, special agent. The bureau appreciates new agents like you. Here ya' go, I need you to review a stack of files. Somehow half of U.S. citizens want to cause a revolution and so we've got a long list of people that need to be policed and possibly locked away."

The voice continues, "What happened on January 6 can never happen again. All this progress we're making, we keep running into stiff opposition. That must mean we're on the right path as a nation."

The new special agent, we won't disclose his or her name as that's classified, flips open the first file.

That's odd, the agent thinks. It looks like someone off of one of those 1990s Netflix reboots.

Corky from Life Goes On. The guy with down syndrome.

The supervisor points at the file. He says. "Chris Burke AKA Corky — That one's special. A real wack job. He was seen visiting outside the White House with family or possibly cohorts taking photos and then later that day he was seen praying over his dinner at a local D.C. restaurant."

A photo is handed to the new agent. Sure enough, there's down syndrome Corky from Life Goes On, former actor Chris Burke, probably in his forties now, praying over his meal.

The Supervisor states, "California's Attorney General banned parents from knowing about the public school's steering children toward other genders. Corky here said NO to that reaching down syndrome children in those same public schools. He went to social media. Attorney General wants ALL KIDS open to other genders — ALL KIDS."

"That's crazy," says the new agent. "Corky's a threat?"

"Everyone's a threat nowadays. Anyway I want you to put some eyes on him. Anything else he does to be out in public, well that's where he's likely to make his move."

"But he has down syndrome — what's he gonna do? Is it even possible?"

"Yes, it's possible. He actually has a lot of contacts. He's definitely on the right wing side — he refused to attend a library event when the drag queens were reading books to small children. Plus he runs a special organization dedicated to helping people with down syndrome, so he's connected. Don't fall for that act though. His own down syndrome might actually all be an act as well. Remember that movie The Usual Suspects? Turns out Corky here idolized that movie in his early teens. This guy's capable of anything. Plus we do think he's been bomb making or taking steps in that direction."

"What — how so?"

"Take a look … here's a text he sent to his mom and several friends a few months ago."

The new agent looks at another page in the file, it's a print out of a text message sent from Burke:

"Hi mom and friends I just finish the rehearsal and dont think I made the cot. The movie's going to probably bomb anyway. I hope it bombs. I dont think they know what theyre doing. The way I was treated by the director yeah definitely hope its bombed. I need to get to work on the next part I want to play. Talk soon!"

"I don't want to challenge anyone," says the new agent. "But that doesn't sound specifically like any threat. We might just be looking at a typo… Plus he has down syndrome --"

"DON'T FALL FOR THAT. The pressure coming from the White House for us to round up these domestics is going to cost us our jobs if we're not out there making arrests and stopping the next January 6 before it happens."

"Are we using undercover teams to flush some of these guys out?"

"We've sent our own people into their groups, but after a few weeks our own people keep going double agent on us and switching sides … It's ludicrous. Somehow they're using hypnosis or some other mind control techniques to fool our own agents. We are somehow in a next generation Cold War, but the enemy is people that call themselves U.S. citizens."

"How are we connecting people to that?" the new agent asks.

"That's easy. They don't support the Gay Pride parades. They're trying to stop transvestites from going to public libraries and reading books to small children. And of course, they're all conservative in some way. A real right wing wack bunch. Anyway we have to tear through their propaganda and root out anyone that has any possible connections to January 6. The administration made that clear. Now get to work, open that next file."

The agent closes the open file on Corky from Life Goes On and opens the next file.

"Who's this woman?"

"That's the Church Lady. You've never seen those old Saturday Night Live videos on YouTube? Funny as heck. But really though, yeah, that's the Church Lady A.K.A. Dana Carvey. He's not directly connected to anything yet. He has infiltrated the White House a few times in the past, even standing in the East Room with Bush Sr. when he was still in office doing impressions of the President."

"So what's the threat?"

"He calls himself the Church Lady. A few years ago that name sounded funny. Following January 6th, that name is definitely suspicious. Like Carlos the Jackal. Plus Dana Carvey is a master of disguise. Remember that one? Turtle, Turtle. We actually think we see him somehow pretending to be several different people when those domestics raided the Capitol Building. Look at these photos that day. See here — now look there — oh, and over there, that one there. It's Dana Carvey, he switched up wigs and hats, throws on different glasses here, then paints his face there. Somehow he's wearing lifts where he's that taller guy over there."

Wow, the new agent realizes, not actually sure he sees Dana Carvey in the photos, but yes maybe that is him in more than one.

It really could be anyone. We are in so much trouble. The Church Lady…

"If we're wrong, don't we look retarded?" the new agent asks.

The supervisor waves his arms passionately, shaking his head. "NEVER, NEVER say that word around here. You are going to kill morale saying that. If we start thinking we're retarded we're really going to lose some agents. A lot of them are already muttering that. No — The Church Lady is for real — we got to nail her before she actually strikes. I can feel it in my bones. It keeps me up at night."

The third file shocks the new agent completely. Nothing in life could have prepared him for what he saw and read next.

It's the dwarf midget — NO, LITTLE PERSON — he corrects himself heatedly — from Elf.

Elf, the holiday movie. With Will Ferrell.

The supervisor says hurriedly, "This was an easy connection to make. It's a Christmas movie. You know Christ-mas. Right wing all the way. THEY SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS, WE SAY HAPPY HOLIDAYS."

Things are quiet for a moment. The new agent stares at the open file.

"No it can't be possible," he says. "It's just a movie. Just an actor. Not Elf."

The supervisor snaps, "THAT'S NOT JUST AN ELF… that's an angry ELF… ELF. We think it means Earth, Land, Fire. Some kind of code they're talking in. Peter Dinklage — Will Ferrell called him Elf in the movie — is heading this. We think this guy is experiencing some little man syndrome.'"

The Supervisor's phone rings suddenly. He answers and listens. "Uh, huh. Ok… good job. Finally."

He looks at the new agent: "Apparently he's on the move. We picked up some chatter. Drones are overhead right as we speak. Seal Team ready to be deployed… "

Suddenly the door crashes open and an agent in a suit comes running through the door, yelling into a radio, waving his arms at the supervisor. "NO WAY — THIS ONE'S REAL," he shouts to the supervisor. He holds the radio up.


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