President Biden and Vice President Harris walk on to the stage, smiling and waiving.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: "Thank you every one of you. This is an exciting time for Vice President Harris and I. As you know the Democratic party is under attack from the Republicans and Donald Trump. It's important that all of us work together to keep the Democrats in the White House. As you can see, both Kam and I have put our money where our mouth is and we are now proudly declaring that we are now part of the trans movement... Of course, I'm sure there's many questions and we are here to give you answers."
REPORTER: "Mr. President -- WHERE DID THIS COME FROM?"
PRESIDENT BIDEN: "Well this is a big election year for us and there's power in numbers. Donald Trump somehow has gained a great deal of support with Baby boomers and Generation X. The Democrats, we're now losing votes as these misfits keep jumping ship. Our only chance now is to inspire the younger generations to come out and vote. After all, the future belongs to Generation Z and Millenials and I am the President for Generation Z and Millenials. And they're right. For them, all of us in politics, we're all dinosaurs -- even if some of us do wear diapers. In the end we need to bring ourselves down a few levels, that's how we'll get their vote. We need to Level Down -- if we're going to Level Up."
REPORTER: "Mr. President -- THAT DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE."
PRESIDENT BIDEN: "Not much about the Democratic Party makes any sense to anyone, anymore. That's why Trump is a threat to Democrats -- excuse me -- I mean, Democracy. Trump is a threat to Democracy. If he's elected all that we worked for to get acceptance for LGBTQ and future votes will be all to waste. Kam Harris and I here -- we are the Transvestite Ticket to 2024. As you can see, though, looking at the Vice President, unfortunately becoming 'Kam' hasn't been such a smooth transition."
Biden pauses, looks sadly at Kam, puts an arm on Kam's shoulder. Biden continues, "Kam's going to need a lot more work. He also won't be taking any questions today. I'll be your Fall Guy." He chuckles.
The Vice President shyly covers her mouth with a hand and doesn't attempt any words.
REPORTER: "Is something wrong with the Vice President? Clearly something is wrong -- but I mean has her transition gone wrong?"
BIDEN: "HIS transition."
REPORTER: "Forgive me, Mr. President -- I mean, HIS."
BIDEN: "Well this was all done on short notice. So our doctors upped the injections and increased the pill potencies, despite the warnings about potential side effects."
REPORTER: "Mr. President, are you experiencing any side effects?"
BIDEN: "Well my boobs hurt and I can't stop giggling anytime I squat to pee." Biden laughs, then his tone drops. He says, "Unfortunately, the First Lady -- well she refused to talk to me and is now sleeping in another room of the White House." His voice trails off. He says, "The dog growls at me and I keep hearing laughter coming out of the vents. Sometime's it even sounds Chinese. I think the White House may be haunted."
REPORTER: "Mr. President, sounds like there's some mental effects going on as well."
BIDEN: "No nothing's changed there. I'm still mentally fit and able to lead this country."
REPORTER: "Mr. President, while all this is going on, what are you going to do about China and the FBI Director's warning about having a backdoor to our infrastructure? They can shut us down and wreck chaos at any moment is what he just testified to Congress."
BIDEN: "The backdoor? No I'm not ready for that. It might have to be Kam if the First Lady continues to keep her distance. Though it's hard to picture Kam knocking at my backdoor... what are we talking about?"
REPORTER: "Not your backdoor, Mr. President. China's. China has a backdoor to us. Their hackers outnumber the FBI's cyber agents fifty to one. How do we stop that?"
BIDEN: "Fifty to one. That's a tremendous waste of Chinese manpower. I think we're doing a great job keeping them busy. They're wasting all that time, fifty of their guys for every one of ours. Now they're too busy to invade Taiwan. Plus there's a whole bunch of them down in South America, south of the Darien Gap, joining up with migrants on that hike across Central America. Look at all this manpower they're wasting. There's no threat -- I've got China right where I want them."
REPORTER: "Mr. President, some would say China has you right where they want you -- DOES CHINA HAVE SOMETHING ON YOU? Are you somehow being blackmailed or threatened by the Chinese government?"
Biden looks hard at the reporter. He blinks once. Then he blinks twice. He makes a small hand movement near his chest.
Suddenly assistants to the President walk on to the stage to escort him off.
Notably, three out of four of the assistants appear to be Chinese.
WHITE HOUSE SPOKESPERSON: "Thank you folks, that's all we have time for today. The President has other appointments he now needs to tend to. As they say in Beijing, zài jiàng. That means, good bye."
Only minutes later at CIA headquarters in Langley an analyst watches the speech again, and then again, realizing that three different times President Biden gave a thumbs up movement to the crowd, he was actually using sign language to say the word "help".
There it is again, the analyst realizes.
He immediately gets on a phone call with the Pentagon, however that call is intercepted by a Chinese Deep Fake. With a deep Texas slow drawl accent and just a hint of Oklahoma, the analyst is told, "Well done, son. No need to fret. We got it, we know what's going on. That was intended to let his cabinet know he was just having a memory lapse. No cause for concern. The President's in good hands. Ride 'em, cowboy."
Smiling, the analyst hangs up the phone.
Ride 'em, cowboy.
What an odd and out of place thing to say nowadays, he thinks to himself. Then again, he realizes, he himself is a liberal progressive and what does he know about those red neck guys from Texas anyway?
It's time to get out and vote.
Jewel Biden and Kam Harris '24.
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