"Thank you. That's so awesome," Bargatze says to a sold out crowd. "It's good to be back in Nashville. Here that is... Wow. A lot of travels recently. And a lot of TSA pat downs goin' through airport security. It's gettin' weird. Really weird. I'm startin' to feel like they're singling me out. Like they think I'm a terrorist. Last night's flight. I gotta tell you about last night's flight. I got pulled out of line by a TSA agent, a big ol' woman with short purple hair and one of those thick black nose rings. And she had this smile on her face. She put on those white hospital gloves and told me to follow her. They need to do a cavity search."
Nate Bargatze is silent. He stares out at the audience. It's a deer in the headlights look.
"I said YOU are not going anywhere near this cavity. SOMEBODY ELSE. Find somebody else... You'd think the selection would get better. It didn't. A dude walks over. It's another TSA agent. He's got the uniform, the badge, and the gloves. And pink hair. PINK HAIR. And a very, very feminine voice. He says, 'ok, come with me.' ... SO I RAN. The other way. Left my wife and kids in the dust."
"Now I'm runnin' through the airport. Feels like I'm bein' chased by clowns - killer clowns from outer space. This can't be real, I kept tellin' myself. Glad I wore my sneakers that day. Dress shoes just would not have cut it."
"I barely made it in time for the show. I caught a train. I caught a bus. Just anywhere I wasn't goin' to be told someone needed to search my cavity. No one, no one. Don't even try... Wow, what a world we are living in today. I actually think this started when I took my family to Disneyland early last year after completing my 'Family Friendly Comedy Tour'. Even at Disneyland I felt like they were treating me like a terrorist."
"I had a JESUS hat on. Acts 2:38 on the back of the hat... I think the FBI is behind this. They even used Munchkins. Yeah, Munchkins. This is Disneyland - of course they're goin' to use Munchkins. A bunch of short under cover FBI agents usin' a ruse. Keyword is short. You'd think they'd be tall. But not the undercovers. Apparently they can fool people with the short person act."
"They sure had a lot to say to each other. Like, they're tryin' to distract you with words and little details. They're tryin' to blend in. But it's a smoke screen. It's just a ruse. Yes, a ruse. It's like playing charades. Except I was clueless at the time. These Munchkins were crowded around me in line. Talkin' to each other. Talkin' about an election. Talkin' about how Joe Biden was gonna be President again and how he was gonna make Drag Queen Story Hour a requirement for public schools."
"So I stated the obvious. I said out loud, 'I'm not sendin' my kids to no Drag Queen Story Hour'. That's when the clip boards came out. The Munchkins started writin' down everything I was sayin'. It was real' odd. One of them held up a smart phone and started recordin' me. Somebody pointed at me and called me MAGA. I left the line, grabbed my family, and headed for another ride. Somethin' from Star Wars. Find somethin' from Star Wars."
"Before I could get there a complete stranger, a young woman - maybe in her twenties - stopped me and asked if I would go into the men's restroom and see if her male friend had left sunglasses inside. 'BLENDER SUNGLASSES,' she said... Whatever those are."
"'Of course,' I said kindly. She looked like she could play drums for a punk rock band. Or maybe one of those skateboard chicks. Total counter culture. Short hair. But not too short. She looked like someone from somewhere weird like Portland or maybe Seattle. And then she had a facial spasm. Like a heavy drug user. A facial spasm."
Bargatze makes a sudden over exaggerated grimace with his face. He's quiet for a moment. Looks out at the audience.
"I've been in comedy a few years now - or at least I try anyway. On some days I've done some actin'. I've done some skits. You've seen those... SNL. I could tell this was an act. She was ACTING. A light bulb went off. This was an undercover FBI agent. Somehow they were tryin' to get me in a sting. Like, a domestic terrorist sting. Me, Nate Bargatze, stand up comedian. Now a terrorist. A TERRORIST!"
"Some opportunities only come once in life. I was carrying a fountain drink. You know, like a Super Big Gulp. From 7-11. Except this one had a Mickey Mouse, Pluto and Donald Duck on the side. I accidentally 'tripped' and spilled my fountain drink all over her. Lots of soda. Lots of ice cubes. Looked like she had a brain freeze."
"'Oops,' I said out loud. 'MY APOLOGIES. Sorry, I don't have the best balance,' I said. 'The heat. It's so hot. I think it's makin' me dizzy'... She was not happy. But I was smilin'. Can I give you a hand up? She scowled at me. SCOWLED... The facial spasm was gone."
"YOU'RE CURED,' I told her. 'PRAISE JESUS.' I tried to high five her but she wasn't havin' it."
"'God bless,' I told her."
"At that point I decided to go back and find those Munchkins. Remember the short undercover agents at the other ride? This time I had two extra large fountain drinks. Do you see where this is goin'?"
"We made it over to The Haunted Mansion. Grabbed a bite to eat at a spook themed restaurant called 'The Walls Have Ears'. SPOOKS - OF COURSE. There was a large red banner out front that read 'MAGA WELCOME'... The waiter. I recognized the waiter. It was one of the undercovers I dumped a fountain drink on earlier that day. I looked around. Waiters, waitresses - at least three of them looked like some of the undercovers from earlier. Wow. I'm never eatin' out again. At least not there. I wonder where else they are doin' this. Your community? My community?"
"We got back to our hotel room that night. What a day. But the internet didn't work. So I called the hotel and they promised to send someone up to fix it. ASAP they said. There's a knock at the door. We let the internet guy in and, after he left, I realized that he looked just like one of the undercovers from the restaurant, The Walls Have Ears at The Haunted Mansion. He exchanged the router, the internet was fixed, he smiled and let himself out... They were probably recording everything we were sayin' right from that router. Front row seats to the Bargatze family. Hopefully the kids drove them crazy. Just sayin'."
"But bein' a terrorist actually has it's perks. When I go to Disneyland I know that my family and I - we are safe. We've got our own FBI security detail flanking us at every side. You can't even see them but they're there. Keeping us safe on the tax payer's dime. Yeah. Huh. On some days I've probably got more security than President Trump! Air marshalls. Ground marshalls. Bus marshalls. Thanks ladies and gentlemen. Well done."
Nate Bargatze is quiet for a moment. He looks down at his feet, pauses, then looks back up. He makes a sound into the microphone. "I'm not sure I should be sayin' this," he says suddenly. "Like I might expose some state secrets that are supposed to catch the bad guys... BUT HERE GOES ANYWAY."
"So it turns out the FBI has got this whole department of specially trained hackers that work for the government. Or maybe it's the DOD. You'd think they'd be goin' after China but I think they got a whole team of them goin' after my family. Listening to us right through our smart phone's microphones. Maybe watching us right on our cameras... That's why I keep tellin' my wife not to bring her phone into the bathroom."
He laughs.
"I didn't know my 'Family Friendly Comedy Tour' was gonna piss off so many leftists high up in government... Fast forward to this year. I've got some friends that told me to download The Signal app. Told me it would encrypt my communications. So I installed it. Suddenly not only did I have the Signal app but I had a whole bunch of other apps and advertising on my phone."
"So I took it to a local computer guy. You know, like Geek Squad but he just works from home. He tells me that some military lookin' keylogger code had been installed on my phone. Doesn't matter if I use the Signal app. The keyloggers are catching every keystroke and sendin' that data to a rogue FBI team targeting the far right."
"'I'm not far right,' I tell him.
"'You're family friendly', he says. 'That's far right all day long as far as the left is concerned.'"
"Turns out this guy is ex-military intelligence. He tells me that the Deep State still has its hands in a lot of places. President Trump might have won the election but they are playing the long game and keeping close tabs on Conservatives. Family friendly puts me at the top of a lot of watchlists, especially if I've ever been to Idaho he tells me."
"'I just did a show in Boise last week,' I tell him. 'Bingo,' he says. 'Idaho is a leftist strong hold. There's more federal agents per square mile in Idaho than even D.C. That whole state's on a watchlist. That place is crawlin' with feds.'"
"Idaho?' I said, shocked. 'That's like one of the safest places in the nation to live. Tons of Conservatives across the state... Other than maybe Boise, that's Trump country. Why would there be such a large federal presence?'"
"'You can thank the Deep State on that one,' he replied. 'It always goes back to the Deep State.'"
"And the old guy still has some connections. Says his contact pulled my file and found out that they even have a nickname for me. Tasmanian Nate, the Bomber from Down Under."
"'I've only been to Australia once,' I exclaimed. 'And I don't know how to make a bomb'. He's like, 'Don't you get it son? This is political theatrics. Anything they can do to justify their surveillance they will spin it, and exaggerate it, and the result is 110% overzealous government paranoia'."
"'Like Tulsi Gabbard?' I asked. 'Like Tulsi Gabbard,' he replied."
"I didn't respond right away. I felt like Alice in Wonderland gettin' sucked into an FBI Rabbit's Hole."
Bargatze shakes his head.
"'So how do I get off this list' I asked?"
'President Trump.' he answered. 'JD Vance. Kash Patel. Dan Bongino. Its gotta go all the way to the top'."
"'JESUS,' I exclaimed."
'"Or Jesus,' he replied."
"Then he says, 'You want some comedy? You should see the file on Tucker Carlson. The file on Joe Rogan. The file on Charlie Kirk. The file on President Trump. Now that Trump's been elected there's actually two files on each of these guys. The lightly worded, easily accessible file, and then the hidden deep state file... It's those hidden deep state files that have all the juicy content... The FBI 'deep staters' even claim Charlie Kirk played a roll in 9-1-1, was taking money from the Saudis.'"
"'Wasn't Charlie Kirk like 5 years old?'"
"'Yeah, something like that,' he says. 'Just a kid.'"
"'Holy sh*t,' I reply."
"'Liberal files on Conservatives need to be completely destroyed,' he says next. 'The FBI needs to start fresh with a fresh set of eyes. There's probably a long list of Conservatives still feeling the harassment. Tulsi Gabbard may have got off the watchlist, but that doesn't change anything for the rest of us. I know a guy in Idaho -'"
"'Where's the comedy in any of that?' I interrupt. 'That's not very funny.'"
"The old guy laughed and said, 'Some things were never meant to be funny.'"
