De Niro, flanked by his colleagues and security team, emotionally exclaims that if we elect Trump that all our freedoms will be gone.
With journalists to either side and our own press card, we asked him point blank, "What freedoms exactly, Mr. De Niro?"
De Niro doesn't reply. He gets angry. He sputters, "Our freedoms, our freedoms."
"Go on, Mr De Niro. Tell us."
De Niro, "Kids for example. Kids. We're at risk of overpopulation unless late term abortion is adopted. Overpopulation threatens all of us. It threatens the planet. Trump also threatens the freedom for us to convert school children into transgenders and non-binaries. That will also help us solve the overpopulation issue. No trans or non-binary is gonna want to have children."
"So this is about the planet? It sounds like you really have a fear of population growth -- is that true?"
De Niro pauses, looks down at the podium for a few moments, looks back up. His next words catch everyone by surprise. He says loudly, "Pause for dramatic effect. Glare at the cameras."
A moment goes by -- finally some quiet laughter from a few faces in the crowd.
A colleague standing behind De Niro leans in, whispering something into De Niro's ear. De Niro blinks finally. He says, "Yes, we need to stop this uncontrolled growth of population. It's encroaching on everything -- the planet's quickly losing its resources... And then those long lines. I hate standing in line. I hate crowded airplanes. I hate traffic. There's just too many people. Biden's policies help us control the population and the end result is less traffic, less standing in lines, more tickets to popular ball games, available rooms at the best hotels, and getting served fast at popular restaurants."
"What about the migrants, Mr. De Niro? President Biden has opened the door to millions of migrants that have crossed our borders illegally. That's going to have a huge impact on the population."
"Migrants don't drive cars, they don't shop where I shop, and I've never seen a migrant at any of my favorite restaurants -- accept maybe in the kitchen. I don't have any problems with migrants. Especially if it means Democrats get more seats and more voting power in local districts. There's also a lot more ads now on the back pages of the classifieds. More choices."
"More choices, Mr. De Niro, on the back pages of the classifieds? What does that mean exactly? Are you referring to those ads for escorts and prostitutes?"
De Niro looks startled, appears to realize he may have mis-chosen his words.
"Mr. De Niro, it sounds like you've put a lot of thought into this?"
"Not just me," De Niro shouts. "All the A-listers. We're all on board. We all hate traffic, we all hate long lines, and we all hate it when our favorite restaurants are too busy and the wait times are more than ten minutes. It's just not right."
"What would Jesus do, Mr. De Niro? Would he agree with your opinions on this? Would he agree with late term abortion -- that's a full on baby? Some women have deep regrets over aborting a child. The love of Jesus --"
"Don't go gettin' all religious on me now," De Niro says angrily. "You and I both know that the love of Jesus is just a way governments use religion to keep people in line. I don't buy it, never have, never will."
"Jesus loves children, loves all of us, Mr. De Niro. Why does your party oppose Conservative values that protect children?"
"Children don't run this country," De Niro shouts. "The adults do. And Biden's older than all of us. At least I think he's older. He's so old he can't even color his hair. He's always falling all the time. And he can't get up..."
De Niro's voice trails off as he appears to get his thoughts mixed up. He says, "I'm not sure where I was going with that. Anyway, that's enough. That's enough. You know where I stand."
He shakes his fist. "Don't take away our choices," he shouts. "Save the planet. Save progressive doctors and their puberty blockers. Save transgender sports - that's the future. Don't elect Trump. Don't elect Trump."
De Niro's entourage walks in quickly, more than one offering De Niro an arm. He shakes off their attempts, pushes away the microphones, shrugs his shoulders in a huff and walks off in the direction of a waiting limo as news cameras flash.
