"It is," replies Senator Hawley. "I'm honored to speak up for our party and hope to expose more of Newsom's fallacies. So far so good by the way. He's digging his own pit. Fox's hit piece from Gutfeld was right on. Newsom's hands are all over the place. Like a masterful magician -- but we're not buying it."
They both laugh. The Trump advisor says suddenly, "About that -- about Newsom's hands. About his gestures. We've been in contact with an outside consultant. He's telling us we need to expose Gavin's possible cocaine use. He says if we do it right we'll get laughs from all over and Governor Newsom can kiss a White House bid for the Democrats goodbye if he runs in 2028."
"What do you need from me?" Senator Hawley says with a smile. "Anything to help the administration and protect our children. How many Pride parades has Governor Newsom marched in?"
"Too many. Unless he finds Jesus, this guy is a lost cause. This podcast is like the Pied Piper leading rats through the streets."
The advisor from the Trump team spends the next few minutes giving Senator Hawley some suggestions for the upcoming Gavin Newsom podcast. It's a bit out of Senator Hawley's personal experience, as he shares, but he'll do his best to deliver.
48 hours goes by fast and Senator Josh Hawley is suddenly the next Conservative to throw his hat in to the ring for the Republicans by appearing on the new podcast, This is Gavin Newsom. Senator Hawley has a plan. First, he was told to watch old clips from the 1990s of comedian Arsenio Hall and to take special notice of a periodic moment when Arsenio would rub his nose -- the hallmarks of someone who's a frequent cocaine user.
Hawley's plan now -- rub his nose a few times in the early minutes of the Gavin Newsom podcast, and see how Gavin responds.
GAVIN NEWSOM: "So, Senator Hawley, you've been in the Senate now for 6 years out of Missouri. It's good to see a younger face when there's still so many dinosaurs in the Republican party."
SENATOR HAWLEY: "Thanks Gavin, it really is kind of you to bring that up, though the Democrats themselves have several who look like they're ready for a care home. I can gladly give you a list of names."
Gavin laughs. "That's not necessary."
Hawley replies, "It would be a long list, wouldn't it?"
Suddenly Senator Hawley makes a sniffing sound with his nostrils, reaching up and rubbing his nose with a thumb and forefinger. He raises his eyebrows for a moment, looking directly at Gavin Newsom.
And just like that Gavin Newsom's demeanor completely changes. He's instantly more alert. His eyes light up.
Like Jim Carrey when he first put on the Mask, in the 1994 movie, The Mask.
Backstage and off camera, the Trump team advisor gets excited. He starts texting...
IT'S WORKING. GAVIN NEWSOM IS TAPPING HIS TOES UNDER HIS CHAIR. HIS HANDS HAVE DROPPED TO HIS KNEES. HE'S TAPPING HIS FINGERS ON HIS KNEES. HE'S NO LONGER TALKING WITH HIS HANDS. WOW. HE JUST DID ONE OF THOSE SHOULDER SHIMMIES. HE'S SQUIRMING IN HIS CHAIR. THIS IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!!!
Senator Hawley says, "You really were liked by a lot of people, except maybe those parents that had their children mislead by California schools and taken down a dark path into transgender ideology. It's a shame about those wildfires. Governor, did it ever cross your mind that maybe God is trying to warn California that it's going down the wrong path and dragging children to Hell? All those people that lost their homes. Even Mel Gibson. Do you feel at least partially responsible?"
Once again Senator Hawley makes a sniff sound with his nostrils and runs a thumb and forefinger down his nose.
Gavin's suddenly speaking at a faster pace. "I don't know. I don't know what happened. Karen Bass. She's - she's to blame. She did this. She started those fires."
Senator Hawley stares at Gavin. "I thought she was in Ghana."
"Ghana! Yes, Ghana," Gavin replies. "She's gonna burn that place down too. Senator, can we hit the pause button for a moment? I just remembered something off set. Really important."
"You want to pause the podcast? Both of us are on a tight schedule today."
Gavin's no longer smiling. He's visibly sweating however. Still tapping his feet. He's clamped his hands together so that he's no longer tapping his knee caps. He smiles and does another shoulder shimmy. Still seated, he starts rocking forward, almost to the sound of a rock and roll song only he can hear.
Guns N' Roses?
It's easy to picture Axle Rose doing the shoulder shimmy. Musical meme anyone? Newsom doing the shoulder shimmy with Welcome to the Jungle playing in the background.
Gavin's words rush out. "I just need a second, Senator, a few moments, really -- we can pause. Nature calls."
And then Senator Hawley delivers the much anticipated one-liner prepared by the Trump team. "Gavin, would you like a bump?"
Newsom's eyes get big. "What??"
"Do you need a bunk? Do you need to lay down? You look a bit out of sorts."
Gavin Newsom glances off set, eyes wider than ever.
"I just need a moment -- really, I'll be right back." He jumps to his feet, walking off the set, shrugging off an assistant who's stepped in to his path with her hands up in a "WTF???" expression. She drops her hands and looks on, as if to say she knows what's happening -- and she is not happy. "You better not call Hunter!!" she shouts.
"Don't need to!!" Newsom shouts back, disappearing down the hallway.
Senator Hawley, looking at the camera, smiles and says, "Well, lets give credit to Gavin Newsom. He's obviously a very busy guy with a lot of things that seem to take up his attention. Unfortunately protecting children has not been one of them. Where's Gavin now? Well, sometimes it snows in California... sometimes it snows."
