"DANG IT," Hunter shouts to the empty living room. "THIS GUY JUST DOESN'T GET IT." He sighs finally, shakes his head, and reaches for the phone.
"HUNTER!!!" comes Gavin's voice, positive, chipper, high energy -- like he's selling something Hunter does not want to buy.
"You sure can sell ice to an Eskimo, can't you?" Hunter says.
"Been there, done that," Gavin replies. "Why don't you return my calls?"
Hunter doesn't reply, just silence for a moment. Finally, "It's over, Gavin. I can't do this anymore. No more wing man."
"DON'T DO THIS TO ME, GOOSE!!" Gavin says, jokingly. "Big things are in store for us. Not sure if you heard -- but I'm gonna run for President."
"No one saw that coming," Hunter responds, shaking his head. "Let me guess -- you're gonna open up the borders and flood the nation with fentanyl and boost the Democrat voter rolls nationwide."
"No, no, none of that," Gavin replies. "Well, no more of the fentanyl anyways -- turns out that's bad for business. But we are gonna bring in the good stuff again. Go back to how it was in the 80s and 90s... Remember those days?... Just la coca. Nose candy. The primo!!"
"NO, GAVIN, I'M NOT DOING THIS," Hunter says abruptly. "... I FOUND JESUS." Hunter pauses, hoping the words will sink into Gavin's head. Finally he delivers the line he's been practicing in his head for the last several days. "I've gotten clean, governor. No more of the hard stuff... No more hard living. JUST JESUS."
Gavin doesn't respond right away. Then, "Yeah -- I wondered about that. I saw you on that Podcast... I wondered what you were smoking that day... You and I know that's not gonna last. Come on, I'll put you on a plane tonight. Hang out at my place. We'll have some friends over. Just like old times."
"OLD TIMES?? Those old times almost got me busted for bringing coke into the White House."
"That was one helluva party, though -- wasn't it?? Check your pockets next time before you leave."
Hunter Biden attempts to change the subject. "MAN -- I saw what you did with the LA wildfires. How did you avoid not getting sued?"
Gavin laughs. "Are you kidding me? This is California. Everyone looks up to me."
"Except the homeowners," Biden replies.
"I'm not worried about them," Gavin says. "They have insurance --"
"DO THEY??" Hunter interrupts. "Last I heard insurance is hard to come by in California. How do you sleep at night? ... Listen Gavin -- I'm only going to tell you once. YOU NEED JESUS. Today. Not tomorrow. Not down the road. The people of California need someone to lead them out of the wilderness, not dragging them down to Hell. How many Only Fans accounts have California addresses? Are you gonna start taxing that? Now that Elon's gone on to Texas, prostitution is your biggest commodity -- and it's all off the books. How is it all slipping by your greedy fingers?"
Hunter hears noise on the other end of the phone. Notices that Gavin is suddenly breathing differently.
"DID YOU JUST SHIMMY??" Hunter shouts. "STOP IT. STOP IT. Everyone's laughing at you --"
"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, strong language!!" Gavin says. "Slow down there. What's got you all up in a bunch?"
Hunter sighs. "I'm just tired of it. Tired of this nation's problems. Tired of its drugs. Tired of what's become of our youth. Tired of what's become of the American Way. There's got to be more than this... I just want to turn on the Super Bowl and watch Kid Rock doing a Hank Williams Jr. song during the half time show. I don't need no transgender Bad Bunny reminding me just how far we have fallen."
"BAD BUNNY'S THE SHIT!!" Gavin shouts. "I'm gonna give him his own Drag Queen Story Hour on California TV. We need to get him into the classroom. Help us create some future Democrats."
"GAVIN, THAT IS SICK -- YOU ARE SICK. And that's not a good sick. That's a bad sick."
"Thanks -- not sure if I'm following you, but thanks!!" Gavin replies, raising his eyebrows, trying to make it all compute -- which of course he quickly computes as full support and encouragement.
The phones are quiet for a moment. Gavin finally breaks the silence. "So you're reading the Bible, huh? So, are you like with Israel then? What's going on with that?"
"Yeah, I'm reading the Bible. You should be reading the Bible... ISRAEL'S A STUMBLING BLOCK. That's what it says... I might not agree with everything specifically the Israeli government is doing from day to day but I support God's plan for Israel and God's promise for the people of Israel. If you don't support that plan, you are stumbling over the stumbling block."
"Hunter you are making me go cross-eyed, I am not following you. Impossible to make sense of any of that. BUT, YEAH -- SUPER BOWL IS THIS SUNDAY. Let's tune in to some Bad Bunny action. This is going to be awesome. You know how many kids are going to see this? MILLIONS!! ... That's millions of future Democrats of America!!"
"MILLIONS," Hunter replies, under his breath. God, that can't be good, he thinks to himself.
"Maybe next time, governor," Hunter says. "No -- no I take that back -- there might not be a next time. As, it was in the days of Noah -- As it was in the days of Noah."
"THEY WERE PLAYING BAD BUNNY BACK IN THE DAYS OF NOAH??" Gavin shouts. "That's a great name. Days of Noah... Rock and roll. Country rock. I need to reach out to Zach Brown Band... they're not afraid to push the needle. All that Satanic stuff at their concert. I wonder what those guys would look like in a dress?"
